Finding Time
Regardless of my (or any of our) desires and intentions to embrace 53 and create fulfillment in my life, the perennial problem has been finding time. There are shelf-loads of self help and time management books and articles on the subject, and I have peered over some, but I just had to find my own way given my own demanding job and family and other circumstances. My plan is likely not original, but it is what I have created for myself.
Wake up Early
Since there have been mothers, mothers who need time alone know that the “secret” is simply to wake before the rest of the family. Determining what you need in that time is important, but making that time in the first place, is life-saving.
For most of my adult life, each morning was just the start to another busy day. I would wake up, and if there happened to be papers left over from the night before, I graded. If there were dishes in the sink, I washed. If there was email to check, I checked. I never had a routine, but simply jumped into attempting to manage the chaos of the day. I hated that I didn’t have a schedule. When I would walk in the morning, I would see other people who appeared to have a routine…the man who walked down his driveway at 6:15 to pick up the newspaper. I imagined him going inside, sitting at his dining table, reading the paper, drinking coffee, and enjoying two eggs and sourdough toast. I would see two women walking swiftly down the bridle trail, talking and gesturing happily. I had no such routine, and I longed for it, but always felt controlled by what was most in need of completion. I felt that to truly feel like an adult, I needed a routine. I have found one, which I will share in another post…but it allowed me to envelope myself in the quiet shroud of morning, to rest in and as myself before committing to the “dailies.”
Reduce or Eliminate Social Media
Again, this seems like a no-brainer, but I, who am not even that dependent on social media or technology, found that when I had a moment, just a moment, I would check Facebook, or peek into my email inbox. But what was meant to be a quick check would lead to tangential exploration, and I would waste so much time.
Social media and technology is a time trap. Mostly mindless, social media allows us to feel busy and engaged, when really, it robs us of time to truly think, reflect, and pursue our passions. It allows us to feel productive when we are not.
I do not have this reduction perfected. It is very challenging. At school, I need to regularly check emails, but I have decided to quickly check at the start of the day, before my classes arrive, and at the end of the day before I head home. Usually, once I get my students working on something, I have a little bit of time during class to manage school emails. I check my personal email right after school, and maybe once later in the day, depending on whether or not I am expecting some important communication or not.
Prioritize!
What are your priorities? Surviving a week? A month? Getting the basics of our jobs done and making it to appointments on time? This was pretty much my idea of successful prioritization for most of my life –just making it through the task list. And still some days, I am happy with that. But upon assessment, looking at priorities, few of the things that I had on my TO-DO list were actually priorities for me or my family or my future. What I prioritized first was simply what was most pressing, and that is probably true of most people. I am trying to change that for myself. For years, I have said in shushed tones to myself, “I really want to write, that’s a priority,” and yet, zero amount of time was allotted specifically for this dream priority. Everything else came first. If there was a spare moment in my day, I would start picking up things from the floor, because that drives me batty, and it is hard for me to concentrate on the important stuff when the little stuff bothers me. I am trying to retrain myself and build new habits, with my true priorities getting far more time allocation.
This is really a huge task –figuring out and committing to your priorities. As we approach the new year, I encourage everyone, (and that includes me!) To venture down the painful road of self-reflection and think about all the dreams we once had…which ones have we given up, for whatever reason, and which ones still call to us? Which ones call most strongly? My lists of goals and dreams could also be on a list entitled “perennial failures,” for every year they go on my list, and every year I failed to achieve any of them. It’s sad. However, I am finally beginning to see why. Well, I probably knew why but was not ready or able to deal with that. Last year, I started a new system, with my bullet journal, and it helps keep me honest. There will be an upcoming post on setting priorities, as I see this post on Finding Time is losing its direction, and there is so much to write about just that. That said, establishing priorities and then treating them as such — putting them first instead of last, allotting time for them out of perhaps the black hole of social media and true demands on our life, is the most important strategy.
create routines
I don’t know about everyone else, as noted earlier in this blogpost, until recently, routines for me were very vague. Morning meant I had to get up, get dressed, eat or grab coffee, and then do what ever task occupied my mind most pressingly. Now it’s different; I will briefly share my morning routine, which shifts a bit throughout the year, but whatever it is, it has to fit your style and needs, and it has to be consistent. It has to become habit, or it’s not a routine, especially if you are ever going to get to the things that really matter. We all have time; we just have to learn to use it differenly or better.
Here’s my new, though evolving, morning routine:
5:15 wake up, make coffee, go outside and SIT. Listen to the sounds, skim over my journal and key tasks for the day, then briefly meditate (trying to expand this, but it is really hard for me).
5:35 go for a walk, depending on weather and whereabouts of husband (he is a geologist, and is sometimes gone a few days at a time; on those mornings, I plan differently since I have a 5 year old at home who cannot be left, even when his big brothers are around)
6:00 journal, writing and reflection time.
6:40 get everyone else up; dress and prepare myself for work
7:30 leave the house
I am now working on a better evening routine, as that feels haphazard and sooo dependent on my family’s needs, yearbook deadlines and whether or not I have a big set of essays to grade.
Multi-Task in Fun/Family Ways
For many of us, multi-tasking is just another way to feel frazzled by time. Certain things are easy and worthwhile multi-tasking tasks, such as doing laundry in the midst of grading papers, since the doing only takes a few moments and is not particularly distracting. When my mom was alive, I spent many of my phone conversations with her folding laundry, as it did not impede my focus on the conversation and allowed me to finish a daunting task. I still make calls to others during laundry folding. It takes so little concentration and does not compromise my focus on the person to whom I am talking.
That said, multi-tasking is not usually too good for the mind or the soul as it divides our attention. Do I hate doing dishes? Yes! But doing it amidst other things slows all the things down. In addition, there is something to be said for mindful meditation on even the most mundane of tasks. However, there are some multi-tasking adventures that make sense!
Some useful and fun multi-tasking treasures:
- Audio Books! I love them for when I am doing simple tasks, like washing dishes, folding laundry or even driving. Audio books also help my easily-distracted mind complete tasks in the garden. I find if I am driving and feel sleepy, an audio-book is much more wakefulness-inducing than music on the radio.
- Bullet journal or planner. I take these with me always so that while I am on hold on the phone or waiting in a doctor’s office, I can doodle or make lists, I can look ahead and jog my memory about upcoming events.
- I also fold laundry with my husband or my five-year old (with whom I can chat and teach skills) and when I am watching a show. Since I always finally get to my few shows late in the evening, I often fall asleep, but folding laundry is great because I can get it done while watching. I try NOT to fold laundry in any other way because it is so mindless and goes by more quickly when I am doing something else.
farm out tasks you hate
If you are fortunate enough to have some extra money in the budget, hire someone to help with the most time-consuming or least rewarding tasks.
I am lucky to have a housekeeper come twice a month, and she handles the things I hate the most, like doing a thorough cleaning of the stove, oven and microwave. She dusts the blinds. I don’t mind vacuuming or sweeping and mopping, so I can provide the interim cleaning. After Elia comes, I don’t let anyone cook on the stove for at least two days so I may revel in her work. I don’t feel luxurious enough to order up Elia’s services more than once every two weeks, so I do the rest myself, or employ my children’s help.
We have a pool lady, which eases my husband’s mind.
We do not have a gardener, because we have teenage boys who are perfectly talented at mowing and edging.
Teenagers like to have cash for extra food, activities with friends, and cell phones, but instead of just giving them money, or even providing a regular allowance, I provide them the tasks I do not like, like cleaning up dog poop, vacuuming out the car, emptying the dishwasher, and weeding in the garden (I love other garden, but not am not a fan of weeding) I am one of the few parents I know personally who refuses to pay for her kids’ phone service, not that I am entirely opposed, but because there is a lot to do around here and I need the help. Why just pay for something for which you could be getting payback? Plus, actually more importantly, our kids learn many skills. I have one who, if there is not too much homework in a particular week, will cook dinner for a couple of nights. And both of my older boys have done their own laundry since they were ten and twelve, respectively. They learn tasks, I pay them, they learn to value money. Win-win.
Group & family errands
There is little more comforting than cruising the aisles of Target or the grocery store without children in tow, especially late at night. I remember when my two oldest were very young, after they had gone to sleep, their father on duty, I would head out. After a hectic day, I found myself at ease in the brightly lit aisles of things. I noticed all the other slightly frazzled, dazed moms doing the same, wandering up and down the aisles in a sort of meditative bliss. If I had things to buy, I could do so without whining or crying children. I would remember what I came for. But usually, such trips had little to do with buying things; it was more about this quiet, bright space where an over-worked or sleep deprived mom could find some emptiness.
However, as the children have gotten older, those quiet moments are tempting but less necessary. I would rather use that time for a walk or other reflective, quiet time. Why should I use my down time to do things for the family when we can all go together? Grocery shopping, Target runs, and other errands around town are now done with everyone on board.
First, if they need toothpaste or deodorant, I don’t have to remember myself or guess which brands. The older ones learn about prices and bargains. They entertain the little wild one. We can select foods together. My middle, who likes to cook, can pick out ingredients for his next meal. It is good, meaningful, “real-life” productive time together. We can talk while driving, catching up on each others’ days while there are no distractions. And then the time I would have spent doing this myself is opened up for the priority things that matter.
In addition, “grouping outings” can refer to planning your errands so that you aren’t jumping in the car and going only one place per outing. If you are going to one end of town or out of town to run an errand, make sure you have considered other places you need to visit in that same direction. Work from farther away to closer to home; it feels less daunting and like you are making progress. If I save the furthest outing for last, I often run of desire and just save it for another time, which is obviously a time waster.