To embrace or not to embrace?
Does embracing the self and the state which we inhabit mean we must embrace all of who we are?
Side note: when I was almost done writing this post, I took my camera outside to prepare an image for it. A mirror seemed a good symbol but I had trouble getting the image I wanted, as objects I did not even see kept turning up in the photos! As I headed inside, I walked past my meditation garden and there was my little Buddha statue, looking at me. I thought what a contrary image it would be to have Buddha with a mirror. Full of self-reflection that Buddha was, but not the kind most of us are dismayed by — the physical reflection of ourselves. A delightful juxtaposition then, I gave Buddha my mirror.
I am struck by what contradictory creatures we are. Well aware that true self-reflection has little to do with the image we see in our mirrors — we are all capable of deep reflection about life, our journeys, the world, etc., and we all know that our physical appearance does not represent who we are “inside” — yet I for one am sometimes consumed by my own shallow, superficial self-judgment … of the body in my mirror.
Self acceptance and love are tough for me. I do not think I have ever wholly loved myself, partly because I do not like all that I am. While it may seem a sad thing to admit, I am being honest here, and it is not really sad to me, because I think too much “self love” compromises evolution.
On the seemingly brighter side, I love that I have life, I love that I am on a journey, I love that I have a body and feel fortunate that it works most of the time. To me, though, “self love” means accepting what I am as I am, and I am simply not satisfied with my end result. Self love feels like complacency to me, and I have so much more to become yet.
I do not like some things about myself, but I could learn, as self help books and shows suggest is healthy, to accept and love who I am. I accept, but I don’t have to love completely. I do not wallow or worry myself over the things I cannot change, or at least not with plastic surgery! However, if I don’t like something, and have the capacity to change it and DON’T, I am not entirely happy with myself.
THE MIRROR
Looking into a mirror can be a strange, triangulated experience.
For many of us, looking in that silvery depth is looking at two images simultaneously, our actual image juxtaposed against some other image, so that we are seldom really looking at ourselves. We are always, subconsciously or not, “seeing” another face alongside our own, an ideal image, an image of our children or our parents, an image of our former selves, a desired image, or maybe a societal expectation of what we are supposed to look like. Inherent in that is a kind of judgement or evaluation. “Oh, my, I am looking more and more like my mother!” for example. I am always just a bit shocked by the face I see — it’s not the image of myself I have in my head! I do not judge that face, however. It is what it is.
I tell my students that in literature, a mirror is never just a mirror, and any kind of reflection (in a pond, window, mirror) is a symbolic act indicating a character’s self-questioning, a reflection on identity in some way. That is true, sometimes, in life as well. The mirror-looking moment is one of revelation. My mirror looking has become a sort of examination of commitment and will, and I do not always “pass” that evaluation, or my revelations are not always met with a positive conclusion.
THE physical Body
I am out of shape and a bit overweight.
I have battled my weight my whole life, well, at least since 5th grade, when I was made aware that weight is a thing one battles. In 5th grade, I was 4’10” or 4’11” and weighed 113 pounds. Who remembers how much she weighed in fifth grade?? (I remember my weight at almost every period or milestone of my life)
When I was 11, my well-intentioned mother, who always cared about her appearance, and then cared about mine, took me to the doctor who proclaimed me 20 pounds overweight. She then put me on a carefully controlled low carbohydrate, low calorie diet. I remember so vividly my lunch of carrots, and chicken lunch meat and cheese cubes, while I watched my classmates downing their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chips and cookies.
Thus began the sabotage of my metabolism from which I do not think I have ever recovered. By 6th grade, I was much more slender, but by the beginning of 7th grade, my mom was still concerned that I had not lost the prescribed 20 pounds. She took me back to the office. She could not see that my face was gaunt and my body thin; she could only see that number (103), settling at 10 pounds higher than we had hoped. The doctor, in his infinite wisdom, noted that I had grown 4 or 5 inches, and was now 5’3″ and underweight for my height.
By then though, I realized what success looked like and what would gain my mother’s approval and I sought to stay thin. I took up running, and later ran competitively in high school. I don’t know how many calories I ate in high school, but I know I never ate what my friends ate, even when I was pounding the pavement and trails up to ten miles a day. I did love sweets, and in high school without my mother’s watchful eye, I would often sacrifice healthy food to accommodate sweets.
Once I had learned that the outside world judged a woman’s worth by her figure, I was never the same. While I do not myself judge others for their weight or appearance, and admire their acceptance of their bodies, I have never been able to get to that point. There are so many factors that have played into my physical journey and body image…and I am now aware of most of them. For now, let me just say that I am still not satisfied with my weight or the space my body takes up, or the way my clothes fit, and, in an attempt to fully embrace who I am, I want to once and for all take control of that body and find my way to joy living inside it.
The Plan
I plan to provide updates on my journey when I find some measure of success. It is too embarrassing to post those half naked “before” photos (which I have taken) if I don’t know how successful I will be. If I make progress, I will eventually share the “look” of that progress. I have tried so many plans and diets, and nothing has been entirely successful because I have been unable to keep focused. I have a problem with chocolate and other sweets…and tend to over indulge. I do not drink enough water, but other than that, I don’t have too many super bad habits.
I need to find my own way. I tried Keto last year, and lost 10 pounds without ever actually going into ketosis, but the school year following was hectic and I lost my workout time and gave up. But Keto, long term, just does not seem healthy. It contains too much fat and not enough healthy carbohydrates.
My plan for now is to build my diet upon the foods that are super healthy: vegetables, fruits, greens, highly thermogenic foods, anti-inflammatory foods, complex healthy carbohydrates and no empty, processed crap. I need the time to work this out and will be meeting with a nutritionist; I hope she can direct me even more. I have been tracking macros as well as calories, but that does not mean I am cutting way back on calories. I want to find what works for me — no fads, no gimmicks. I know that eliminating sugar is likely the key for me, but that is my greatest weakness, and HARD!
If I, (when I!), as I, make progress, I will share. I hope that if you have also struggled in this area of your life, and if it limits the joy or acceptance you experience in your life, you join me on a similar journey for yourself.