Creativity II
When I was in my late twenties, maybe early thirties, I wrote a sort of “bucket list,” though no one called it that back then, of things I wanted to accomplish in my life. On that list was “write a novel” and “learn to play the cello.” I cannot find the list anymore, word processing programs having changed so much, but I remember so clearly how I felt these things were paramount to my very being — things I felt I had to do.
Have I done those things?
Well, no. So who am I to offer advice to the creative spirit who has yet to fully realize her/his creative being? I do know that in the past year or so, I have come to terms with my failure on this front and am setting out to change my priorities. If I feel happiest and fullest when a story idea seems to work or makes my heart race, or a sentence comes out so perfectly that when I look back it seems I did not write it, or when ideas wash across my mind like a dragonfly flitting across the water’s surface — then this creative energy is calling, is mine, is my calling.
I have done a great deal of thinking and writing, and I know what holds me back. So many more pressing priorities that I have put my creativity on hold over and over again, but I am sick of myself for that. Sick of wasted time. Sick of excuses. It is not too late for me, or for you. If you feel like your life will feel unfulfilled if you do not write that children’s story, or that novel, or a biography, or paint that mural or botanical watercolor, or write that song you have always heard playing in your mind, then I must stop and remember this is my life, and I do not want to disappoint myself. More importantly, I have to embrace my creativity because it calls, and when it works out even kind of right, it makes me gloriously happy. I have been carefully analyzing the whys of my lack of creative output or completion (I have started MANY projects), and have broken them down into a list on which I now focus.
STOP THE NOISE
I remember when I was younger, I thought my ideas were so profound that I did not have the skill to express or write them. That was probably the perfectionist in me persuading me out of doing it in the first place. I recall coming across Hemingway’s “Snows of Kilimanjaro” when I was in a short story course at UCLA. The story focuses on a dying writer who, growing conscious of his imminent death, reflects on his writing. The narrator captures his inner monologue: “Now he would never write the things he had saved to write until he knew enough to write them well. Well, he would not have to fail at trying to write them either. Maybe you could never write them, and that was why you put them off and delayed the starting.”
That is part of the noise in my head: that I am not up to the task. But hell, if I keep thinking that, I will never choose to create long enough to even approximate being up to the task. If we don’t make our love our priority, it will not develop at all. Self-fulfilling prophecy, I say.
So let us try to stop the noise in our heads: I am not good enough, I will never have time to finish, I have not lived an interesting enough life, I don’t know how to start, there are so many great writers. It goes on forever, doesn’t it? But what I am finally realizing is that I need to do it because I need to do it. The noise in my head does not matter. The enjoyment in the creative processes needs to be enough.
Do it for yourself
I have been working on a memoir for 12 years. I am still not done, though there are over 150 pages completed. I structured it in an inventive way, but have not been able to quite make it work, so I halted. Recently, I have come back to it with increased enthusiasm, feeling that it must get done. In the process, I often psych myself out with these two concerns: what if it never gets published? And, what if it does? If it does not ever get published, was it worth all the work? I have spent so much time debating the cost effectiveness of a task. If no one ever reads it, then what was the point? On the other hand, it is personal; it involves people who are important to my children; my children are mentioned. Is it fair to them, even if I try to publish under a pseudonym? But I must finish it. And here is what I am realizing as I embrace where I am in my life process: I must do it for myself. I must do it for the joy and sense of accomplishment it gives me. I must do it because even if I never publish it, it is my story and I need to tell it. Whatever calls us, that calling is telling us WE need it more than any potential reader, hearer or viewer. Create for creation’s sake.
Prioritize
We have all heard the famous stories of J.K Rowling, the single mom, writing in every spare minute in the coffee shops of Edinburgh with her sleeping daughter beside her. She managed to priorite very effectively.
If creativity is important, more on point, if creativity is essential to your being, then it has to become a priority in some way. We mothers are busy, working, raising our children, managing a household and finances and family activities and all that, which could take up every moment of the day. If you were born to create, though, or at least feel you are, this creative process has to be prioritized. Obviously, dinner still needs to happen, and work tasks completed, and children loved and cared for, but there needs to be some time, I believe at least an hour a day, set aside to play with your creations and ideas. My time is usually quite early in the morning or late at night, and I have lost some sleep to make my writing a priority, but I put it first on my task list every day. It is my joy, but I also have to remind myself that it is my work, despite there being no real salary I will gain from its completion.
Bird by Bird
In her insightful and delightful book on writing, Anne Lamott tells the story of her brother being overwhelmed by a research project on birds. Having waited until the last minute, he was bewildered and upset, but their father encouraged him with the words: “Bird by bird..” One step at a time. One word, one page, one brushstroke, one stanza, one lump of clay, one whatever…at a time. Set little goals and stick to them. Mine is sometimes simply to write for an hour every day for a week. Other times, I set page or section completion goals. I write it down to remind myself of my commitment. I put it in my bullet journal, and I see it every morning during my time with my journal, as part of my routine. It’s hard to ignore it if it is on the list every day.
Create Challenges and Accountability
This summer, I am thinking of taking a course. Given the “online” status of education through the summer, I don’t have to worry too much about working around my family’s needs and schedule in order to take a course. I was thinking of a multi media art class. I have had all kinds of ideas about visual projects I want to do, but I really do not have much skill in that area. I really should take a creative writing course instead, to hold myself accountable because someone else is holding me accountable. I don’t know exactly what the plan is yet, but I like the idea of being accountable. In fact, most of my finished writing was done as part of a class assignment during college. It has been a long time since I have finished anything other than a poem. So, find a way to be accountable. Join a writing group, take an art class, anything. If you feel like not being accountable to yourself, or simply because you are being accountable to everyone else in your life, maybe the “good girl” in you might want to please your professor or astonish your classmates, and you are the one to gain from this!
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Whatever it takes
If it really matters to you (and it is worth determining, asking, wondering IF it really matters to you), then you must do whatever it takes. Prioritize, make a plan to spend time with your creative soul. If it is truly necessary to your being, you (and I) will find a way.
I love this. That is it important to prioritize, to take it “bird by bird” or word by word, is something that we too often forget or let slide. I like to tell my daughters what a I’m working on so they will ask me from time to time how it’s going. I send them progress photos on paintings. I let them read what I write, though I don’t write nearly as often as I work on art. I tend to wait for inspiration for a new work, when I know full well that the creative process provides inspiration as it unfolds. I’ve heard writers say that you just have to write, whether you feel inspired or not. The same is true of other arts as well. Do it whether or not it’s good, and it will improve. As you said, if being creative drives you, do it for yourself. Well said, sister!